PETA asked me to help them fix some bitches, and I think that’s a great idea

The whole Planned Parenthood donation debacle described below wasn’t all that funny, it was mostly just sad on their part. But PETA’s response IS funny. I got the letter and picture below from PETA yesterday:

 

And accompanied with the picture was this Letter to Tucker Max from PETA President Ingrid Newkirk:

April 5, 2012
Tucker Max
Via e-mail: tuckermax@gmail.com Dear Mr. Max,

I am writing on behalf of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) and our more than 3 million members and supporters with a proposition we hope you’ll like. Having heard about Planned Parenthood’s rejection of your offer, we’d like to propose an alternative way that you can help prevent unwanted pregnancies, receive a tax break, and put your name proudly on a clinic—perhaps along with a picture of you and your dog! We would like to purchase a brand-new mobile spay-and-neuter truck and name it “Fix Your Bitches! The Tucker Max No-Cost to Low-Cost Spay and Neuter Clinic.” The truck would cost just shy of $400,000 (delivered fully equipped) and give us $100,000 in leftover funds to spend on veterinary fees—if you are willing to spend the same amount you were offering Planned Parenthood.

Since 2001, our mobile clinics have helped prevent the births of hundreds of thousands of unwanted cats and dogs. In fact, PETA spays and neuters more than 800 dogs and cats every month in some of the most impoverished areas of North Carolina and lower Virginia. We assist owners who have a hard time paying their utility bills, are without transportation of any kind, and often live in trailer parks. One of our mobile clinics is on its last legs (it’s in the repair shop more than it’s on the road), so this would be a huge help.

Two of our clinics currently display images of Simon Cowell and Ron Artest. Please see this mock-up of what the Tucker Max clinic could look like, complete with the “Fix Your Bitches!” slogan and an image of you hugging a dog.

Millions of dogs and cats must be euthanized every year because people continue to let them breed when there are not enough homes to go around. Most end up in shelters—others are left to fend for themselves on the streets, where they are often subjected to cruelty, suffer from starvation or diseases, or are hit by cars.

Dogs and cats may “sleep” with more mates “than is safe or reasonable”—but unlike us, they can’t unwrap a condom. Will you help us provide this essential form of birth control? Thank you for considering this.

Very truly yours,

Ingrid E. Newkirk President

I will say this: I had no idea PETA had such a great sense of humor about this stuff. I am legitimately impressed with their idea and the photoshopped picture, and it makes me wish I’d have gone to PETA and discussed this as something to do for the release of my book, if for no other reason than to see what other ideas why could’ve come up with. Whoever came up with this idea internally should get a raise.

I thought long and hard about whether I should do this. It really is a great idea, but there are other concerns. Like I stated in my previous post, this was never JUST about attention for my book. When I made my initial offer to PP I had three aims:

1. Reduce my 2011 tax burden
2. Get a different kind of press for the upcoming release of my new book
3. Financially support an organization who’s mission I believe in

Giving $500,000 to PETA accomplishes ZERO of those goals. It’s 2012; I’ve already dealt with my 2011 taxes. My recently released book has been out for two months now, and it did fucking great, I don’t really need anymore press for it (it debuted at #2 on the NY Times Best Seller List and all three of my books are STILL on the list). And perhaps the MOST important reason of all: I do not agree AT ALL with the mission of PETA.

I wanted to give money to PP because I agree with the mission of PP, and have used PP in the past. They obviously don’t want my help, but whatever, that doesn’t change my views on reproductive issues. In the case of PETA, I am in emphatic disagreement with them on almost everything. You see, I am a hunter. That means I kill animals (and then eat their delicious meat). You think I drink to excess and sleep with more women than is reasonable? You should see how much meat I eat! My refrigerator is pretty much all dead animal, I have leather all over most of what I own, and I fucking love it. PETA hates that, and has done all kinds of awful shit to hunters in the past. There is no chance I’m supporting an organization that wants to ban two of my favorite things: Making animals dead and then eating them.

If we’re talking about what an awful organization PETA is, that’s really just the beginning.  They’re so ridiculous, they compared the holocaust to killing chickens. Not only that, but they have a history of shitting on celebrities they’ve worked with in the past. And perhaps worst of all, they are the ones that think violence against women is OK. Their stated ultimate goal is complete animal liberation. They’re serious about that. Fuck that–I not only disagree, I vehemently oppose that goal.

But then I thought about it a little more, and I realized to shut the door in their face because of our other disagreements would do exactly what Planned Parenthood did to me. I called PP out for being hypocrites because they are, so I refuse to do the same thing. Here’s the thing: Even though PETA and I disagree on many things–eating meat, hunting, etc–PETA and I do share a common love: dogs. This is my girl Murph, pointing out that her dinner is officially one minute late:

Since everyone involved loves dogs and wants to help them, then I think we should find a way to look past our differences and work together towards that common goal.

To that effect, I am proposing another solution, one that helps dogs but doesn’t force me to give money to an organization that works at odds with most of my personal beliefs:

In the past, I have supported a cause in Austin called Austin Pets Alive that is trying to open a no kill shelter (another thing I disagree with PETA on, they operate kill shelters). Their new building has numerous naming opportunities. I would love to make a sizable donation to them, and PETA should agree to match whatever I put in. If that happens, I will open it up to any of my fans to contribute as well.

If PETA doesn’t like Austin Pets Alive for some reason, that’s OK, they are welcome to suggest any other dog-related charity in the Austin (or surrounding Texas) area, and I am down for contributing a lot of money to help them do positive things for dogs. Together, I am sure we can raise several hundred thousand dollars for needy and worthy dogs in the central Texas area. 

 

 

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