The New York Post contacted me about doing a feature called “In My Library” where they pick a famous author or other person of note, and discuss 4 of their favorite books. I love reading, so of course I agreed.

Barbara Hoffman called me and we had a long and very pleasant conversation about my four selections; Confederacy of Dunces, Neon Bible, The War of Art, and Zen and the Art of Archery. I talked about why I liked them, gave her my perspective on the books, we even talked about why her teenage son was a fan of my work and what advice she could impart to him about dealing with women. It was a genuinely good discussion/interview.

Then I get an email from the PR woman who set this interview up (she’s not my PR woman, she works for the play that I’m in NYC for, but she was involved in setting this up). She forwarded this to me from Barbara, and asked me for another selection:

“I’m sorry – I just realized that Eugen Herrigel was a great big NAZI. Can you see if Tucker could give me one other book instead – I could call him back or he could email me a few sentences about it, but I’m really loathe to use this book.”

Eugen Herrigel wrote Zen and The Art of Archery, one of my selections. Obviously, I had no idea he was a Nazi, because nothing in the book is about political philosophy, Nazism is not mentioned even once, and in fact, the entire book could be seen as a rejection of all political philosophy (very much including Nazism).

But now that I do know he was a Nazi, it doesn’t change my opinion of the book, because the book is fantastic. Just like I don’t think less of American heroes like Thomas Jefferson, even though he owned slaves and regularly had sex with (raped?) them, or Martin Luther King Jr., simply because he was an inveterate womanizer (he actually treated women the way people think I do). I think this way for a very simple reason: I am fully confident that much we do in our society will be considered barbaric by future standards, and all I can ask is that I’m judged by the standards of the time, just like all people should be.

Furthermore, I am not going to go on and on about free speech freedoms–this is a private newspaper, not a public park, they can print whatever they want. And in the wake of the revelation of the (OBVIOUS) fact that our government tracks every single thing we do, I’m not going to pretend like this is some oppressive impingement on my freedom. It’s not.

What it is a small simple example of the media world we live in (and have lived in for a long time): Virtually no one in media thinks for themselves, they do not consider facts, understand perspective, or care about reality. All they do is signal to others what they want to be perceived as. The NY Post asked me to change my selection simply because they didn’t want to be associated with a book that was written by someone who was probably a Nazi, even though the book is considered a classic and has literally nothing to do with Nazism. They care about how they are perceived, not about what they actually are.

If this had happened even 5 years ago, this post would be a rant about Barbara Hoffman or the media or whatever. I’m past that. Not because I don’t think the system is broken (it obviously is), and not because I don’t want it to change (I do), but because I understand now how it works, and get that she’s just a pawn who can’t see anything on the board other than her own tiny place. And the worst type of pawn, because she thinks she’s not.

Media is not about facts or reality. It’s about perception, and for the most part, perception and projection of self. You know the saying ‘all politics is local’? Media is the same way, except its ‘all writing is a projected signal of what you want to be seen as.’ The system works like an algorithm that selects people who reinforce its power, moving them up, and discarding or ‘silencing’ the rest. It tolerates dissent only in the sense that it is fake choice, used to quell real issues (e.g., arguing Republican vs Democrat, as opposed to critiquing the entire system). Understand this seemingly simple perspective, and you understand all of media.

There are two ways to deal with this: Get angry, rant…and then ultimately do nothing (those rants you read on Reddit about the NSA are always just projections of impotence, a way to feel like you’re asserting your power without having to endure the pain of doing it). Or reject the old system and build a new one. You can’t change the system that exists though. Systems don’t fundamentally change. They get replaced.

My TL;DR takeaway opinions:

1. I don’t really like this play at all, mainly because it is so different from my real life, but,

2. No one in the audience agreed with me, including my fans and friends, who all seemed to love the play.

OK, now I am going to completely brain dump and get all of this out:

1. Broadway vs. Off-Off-Broadway: This is sort of a side note, but damn I did NOT expect this play to be in such a small, cramped space. I had no fucking idea what this play was going to be, I expected a real Broadway play I guess, but that is not what this is. It’s not even Off Broadway, it’s Off Off Broadway.

These are all apparently distinctly different. But apparently, most plays–even Broadway plays–start in really small theaters first. This is for many reasons, the main one being a reduction of risk. It costs very little to put a small show on, and then you can see if it deserves to become a big show. Not only that, but it allows you to test the material out and sandbox ideas. Furthermore, it gives you an intimacy that large theater lacks, which I guess is important (I have no fucking idea to be honest, all of this I was told by friends of mine who came with me to show and know theater pretty well). I had no fucking idea because I really don’t know shit about Broadway or plays.

2. The play was nothing like my life: I am the one who wrote “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell” and it’s sequels. Sometimes I think people forget that I lived the events in the book, and that I know what actually happened because I was there, participating. Let me say for the record: 

This play bears no resemblance at all to the life I lived or the things that happened to me (at least as I remember them). 

I can’t get past this. I am just in fucking shock about how I was portrayed, how the events were portrayed, how everything was shown. It was just so…fundamentally different than anything resembling my life. I felt like I was watching a grotesque parody of my life, except not a funny parody, like a ridiculous send-up or something. I don’t know what else to say here.

I am not a character, like Barney Stimson. I am a person, who did these things that he wrote about. And this fucking play is NOTHING like what I remember living. I mean, nothing. The actor playing me does not resemble me, the other actors do not resemble my friends, this is not my life, nor is any of it anything I recognize. They may as well have used fucking muppets as actors, it was that far off my actual reality. 

3. But he stuck to the text!: Even though nothing about this play felt right to me, all the situations and words were pretty much the same as my book. The director said he would not change the text of my book, and he kept his word.

Let me explain something here: When he came to me and asked to adapt my book for the stage, the director Christopher Carter Sanderson, made me several promises. The main one was that if I gave him complete creative control over all aspects of the play, he would stay true to the text of my books. He would not soften or alter my speeches or curses or any of that, and he would stick as close as possible to the precise events in the book. He said he’d have to change small things and some timelines, etc in order to put the play on, of course, but he promised he wasn’t going to change the WORDS or the fundamental meaning of anything.

To his credit, he kept his promise to not change the words from my book. I would say 95+% of the words the actors said on stage, I recognize from one of my books. And all the stories are ripped directly from my books. He really didn’t change anything, which makes this all so much more fucking confusing. Even though the text is the same, nothing else is.

Like, I said, CCS did what he promised me: He kept true to the text of the book. I don’t know, I’m repeating myself now, I’m that confused about how essentially the exact same words can create something so fundamentally different than what actually happened.

4. The actor playing me is nothing like me: Abe Goldfarb is the lead. He plays me, Tucker Max. I met him once a few months ago, and again today, and he’s a really nice guy, I have no issue with him as a person at all. But…

I don’t recognize who the fuck Abe Goldfarb is playing. 

I don’t want to make a comment on his performance. The fact is, he’s a good actor. But the other fact is, I can’t even evaluate his performance because I am just fixated on that fact that he’s playing me, and I mean…NOTHING ABOUT HIM IS ANYTHING LIKE ME.

A few things that just floored me:
1. He wears a Members Only jacket
2. Later, he dresses like Don Johnson from Miami Vice
3. His laugh, the way he moves, his verbal style…everything is just…off

I just, I can’t even imagine what is going through the head of the director. Let’s set aside the fact that the dude looks nothing like me, but EXACTLY like a young Conan O’Brien. Fine, whatever. Everything about him is just so…off. His mannerisms, his demeanor, his deportment. At my fucking worst, I was no where near…that. The guy that Abe plays on stage would get his fucking ass kicked every day.

I will even say this: If that’s me–if Abe is playing me the way I actually am, or have been at any point in my life–then I want to kick my own ass. That’s how much I hate the dude he is playing (I don’t think that’s going to be a problem though, because that performance just has nothing to do with me or my life).

5. My opinion is not shared by my friends: I’m all about telling the truth–even the shitty, painful truths–so I have to say this: My friends who were there with me and saw opening night, totally disagreed with me; they liked the play and most of them even liked Abe’s performance. As much as I disliked it, they loved it. One of my law school friends was there (who I write about ALL the time in my books), and Bunny was there, and several others who know me well–they all loved it. They sort of agree with me that Abe is very different than me, but they also think he did a great job and that the play is pretty accurate. I literally am hoarse with argument with them about that at this point. And I’m kinda pissed, and I think they’re fucking with me, for what its worth.

Conclusion: In a way, I feel like I may be the worst person to evaluate this play because I can’t separate the reality of what happened from the unreality of how it’s being portrayed. I can’t tell you if this is a good PLAY, because I am looking at it differently than anyone else on earth. I’m looking at it not as a play, but as a representation of my real life, and in that they failed.

Maybe they succeeded in creating a great play. I don’t think so, but my friends and the audience last night disagreed with me. It wouldn’t be the first time I hated something everyone else loved.

Regardless, I will be there for all 16 shows in June, like I promised my fans.

“Oh, how blessed young men are who have to struggle for a foundation and beginning in life.”
-John D. Rockefeller

“A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man can be, he must be.”
-Abraham Maslow

“I laugh at people who say things like ‘I’m a good person, I just do bad things.’ No, that’s not how it works. What you do IS who you are.”
-Tucker Max

“Most of America’s leading entrepreneurs are bound to the masts of their fortunes. They are allowed to keep their wealth only as long as they invest it in others. In a real sense, they can keep only what they give away. It has been given to others in the form of investments. It is embodied in a vast web of enterprises that retains its worth only through constant work and sacrifice. Capitalism is a system that begins not with taking but with giving to others.”
-George Gilder

“To her surprise, the women didn’t know. That’s what the world is like: people talk as if they know everything, but if you dare to ask a question, they don’t know anything.”
-Paulo Coehlo

“Entrepreneurial knowledge has little to do with certified expertise, advanced degrees, or the learning of establishment schools. The fashionably educated and cultivated spurn the kind of fanatically focused learning commanded by the innovators. Wealth all too often comes from doing what other people consider insufferably boring or unendurably hard.”
-George Gilder

“The belief that wealth consists not chiefly in ideas, attitudes, moral codes, and mental disciplines but in definable static things that can be seized and redistributed—that is the materialist superstition. It stultified the works of Marx and other prophets of violence and envy. It betrays every person who seeks to redistribute wealth by coercion. It balks every socialist revolutionary who imagines that by seizing the so-called means of production he can capture the crucial capital of an economy. It baffles nearly every conglomerateur who believes he can safely enter new industries by buying rather than by learning them. It confounds every bureaucrat of science who imagines he can buy or steal the fruits of research and development.”
-George Gilder

“Independent inquiry is needed in your search for truth, not dependence on anyone else’s view or a mere book.”
-Bruce Lee

“To get a person’s real opinion, ask what she thinks everyone else believes… If people truly hold a particular belief, they are more likely to think that others agree or have had similar experiences. [People] tend to assume that other people have had life histories at least somewhat similar to their own. When we talk about other people, we are often talking about ourselves, whether we know it ourselves.”
-Tyler Cowen

“To succeed in life requires a total inability to do anything that makes you uncomfortable when you look at yourself in the mirror.”
-Nassim Taleb

“America isn’t obsessed with sex and violence; it’s obsessed with authenticity (or avoiding it). It just so happens that sex and violence are the only two things that you can’t fake, and we keep coming back to them as the definitive “measures of the man.” We can fake wealth, intellect, status, kindness, political acumen, parenting, looks– there’s no objective measure of any of these things, a man can construct any identity he wants, people might not buy it but who are they to say? But a fight isn’t a matter of opinion, it is too real.”
-The Last Psychiatrist

“Creativity is the foundation of wealth. All progress comes from the creative minority. Under capitalism, wealth is less a stock of goods than a flow of ideas, the defining characteristic of which is surprise. If it were not surprising, we could plan it, and socialism would work.”
-George Gilder

“It’s only through effort that we learn what an idea actually is, and if our passion for it will last or fade. There is no shame in failure – all makers fail. But it’s hard to respect someone who never tries, even once, to do something good that’s always on their mind. If you’re worried about how good your idea is, you’re worrying about the wrong thing.”
-Scott Berkun

“Most people consider themselves above the gritty and relentless details of life that allow the creation of great wealth. They leave it to the experts. But in general you join the one percent of the one percent not by leaving it to the experts but by creating new expertise, not by knowing what the experts know but by learning what they think is beneath them.”
-George Gilder

“The great aim of every human being is to understand the meaning of total love. Love is not to be found in someone else, but in ourselves; we simply awaken it. But in order to do that, we need the other person. The universe only makes sense when we have someone to share our feelings with.”
-Paulo Coelho

“Entrepreneurship is the launching of surprises. The process of wealth creation is offensive to levelers and planners because it yields mountains of new wealth in ways that could not possibly be planned. But unpredictability is fundamental to free human enterprise. It defies every econometric model and socialist scheme. It makes no sense to most professors, who attain their positions by the systematic acquisition of credentials pleasing to the establishment above them. Creativity cannot be planned because it is defined by information measured as surprise. Leading entrepreneurs—from Sam Walton to Larry Page to Mark Zuckerberg—did not ascend a hierarchy; they created a new one. They did not climb to the top of anything. They were pushed to the top by their own success. They did not capture the pinnacle; they became it.”
-George Gilder

1. July tickets for sale: The June run of “I Hope They Serve Beer On Broadway” sold out weeks ago, and the producers finally opened tickets for the July shows, you can buy them here. Right now, I am tentatively planning on being at the July 11th, 12th & 13th shows. I think AUgust will open soon.

2. I’m in NYC for the month of June: It’s NYC, what’s not to love? I mean, OK, there’s a lot thats annoying about the city, but spending a month here in a furnished, rented place in the middle of Soho is pretty fucking sweet. If you bought tickets to any of the June shows, I’ll see you at the bar.

Now the (possibly) bad news:

1. I still have no fucking idea what this play is going to be like: Nothing has really changed here. The director and I have still had precisely zero conversations about anything creative with the play. He promised to stick to the text of the book in the adaptation, and promises the show will be entertaining, but I am a control freak with my content, and well…I don’t know. I guess we’ll see. This isn’t technically my content since I am neither the playwright nor the director, I am just the author of the source material, but I’d be lying if I said that the fact that I won’t see the show until opening night doesn’t make me very nervous. Of course it does. But Kit Sanderson is a smart dude and assures me the play will be everything it should be.

2. The press for this has been…unusual: For every creative project I do, I’m used to being the lead, out front person and promoting it, etc. Only this, its not me, not at all. Which is fine, that’s sort of the way it was intended, but still–its just very unusual. I’m not going to link all the stupid, tempest-in-a-teapot bullshit that local Manhattan media has stirred up about this play because its bullshit linkbait that’s not worth reading, but needless to say, it feels weird to have people talking about me, and not to me in regards to a creative project that has my name on it.

Anyway, the show opens June 5th. I’ll see you there (assuming you got tickets).

“We all have stories that we tell ourselves about what our lives are—and those stories are always wrong.”
-Shawn Coyne

“Contracts mean NOTHING for it is ALWAYS the character of the person signing that contract. This is what lawyers do not get.”
-Martin Armstrong

“People who say they are bored are boring people. Interesting people can entertain themselves anywhere. Boring people have to be entertained by others.”
-Roger Knapp

“Doing is better than perfect.”
-Facebook company motto

“The meaning of life is to create meaning for your life.”
-Tucker Max

“Academics are, on average, pussies.”
-David Buss

“Almost all our suffering is the product of our thoughts.”
-Sam Harris

“Everything you say and everything you do has to prove what you believe. A WHY is just a belief. That’s all it is.”
-Simon Sinek

“As much as we thirst for approval, we dread condemnation.”
-Hans Selye

“Steep is the way to mastery. Often nothing keeps the pupil on the move but his faith in his teacher, whose mastery is now beginning to dawn on him. He is a living example of the inner work, and he convinces by his mere presence.”
-Eugen Herrigel

“He who has a hundred miles to walk should reckon ninety as half the journey.”
-Awa Kenzo

“You know already that you should not grieve over bad shots; learn now not to rejoice over the good ones. You must free yourself from the buffetings of pleasure and pain, and learn to rise above them in easy equanimity, to rejoice as though not you but another had shot well. This, too, you must practice unceasingly—you cannot conceive how important it is.”
-Awa Kenzo

“When you understand what your shortcomings are and act upon correcting them, that is being a Buddha.”
-Awa Kenzo

“Self-reflection encourages great bravery. Rationalization is your greatest enemy.”
-Awa Kenzo

“Do your best at each and everything.  That is the key to success.  Learn one thing well and you will learn how to understand ten thousand things.  Ten thousand things are one; this is the secret place of understanding you must find.  Then everything is mysterious and wonderful.”
-Awa Kenzo

“People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life.  I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking.  I think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances within our own innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive.”
-Joseph Campbell

“Myths are stories for our search through the ages for truth, for meaning, for significance. We all need to tell our story and to understand our story.  We all need to understand death and to cope with death, and we all need help in our passages from birth to live and then to death.  We need for life to signify, to touch the eternal, to understand the mysterious, to find out who we are.”
-Joseph Campbell

“In the dojo, aim for truth.
At home, aim for harmony.
At work, aim for progress.
Among friends, aim for trust.
In the world, aim for sincerity.”
-Awa Kenzo

Since I’ve never seen a Broadway play and have no idea what this will be like, I told him I’d do it on two conditions: Not only do I get free drinks (yes, there is a bar at the theater), but ALL MY FANS WHO COME TO SHOWS GET ONE FREE DRINK AS WELL.

He agreed. I was kinda joking, but he said yes, so fuck it let’s do it.

Here it is: If you come to any of the shows in June, I will be there and will buy you one free drink at the bar. This applies to every show in June, until they all sell out (there will are 16 total). Looks like I’m spending the month of June in NYC.

This is 100% legit. If you’ve always wanted to get a drink with me, here is your guaranteed chance. No catch, no goofy shit to do, nothing like that. All you have to do is buy a ticket, show up, and come up and ask me for you drink. [I guess I should mention you have to be 21 to get this, but if you don't know that yet, you're an idiot].

Now go buy your tickets, and I’ll see you there. 

Other stuff about the play thats less cool than free drinks:

Press: So the director, Christopher Carter Sanderson, and I went on Fox Business to talk about the show. Its more a segment about the economics of the play and Broadway audiences, and thus kinda boring, so I don’t recommend you watch it, but here it is.

Met Abe Goldfarb: I was in NYC this weekend and got to meet the guy playing me, Abe Goldfarb. I saw the burlesque show that he MC’s, the guy is obviously very talented, but man…if I was trying to think up a man to be as opposite as me as possible, this could be the guy I ended up with. I don’t even know where to start describing him; he’s incredibly nice, married, into all kinds of kinky stuff…I could go on and on, but there’s no need. It honestly doesn’t matter what he’s like in real life as comparison to me, because this show isn’t about me. The show is something completely different, and it doesn’t matter if the character of Tucker Max in the play is just like I am in real life. What matters is that the audience likes the play, and laughs their asses off, and I think Abe is the type of actor who can deliver that sort of performance. I guess we’ll see.

This whole play thing is so weird for me: This is the first creative project I’ve ever been involved in where I am…in the background. I mean, yes its based on my life and my writing of course, but at this point, I am kinda irrelevant to this play in any substantive way. I have no creative input, I’m not casting it, I won’t be going to rehearsals, and the first time I see it will with opening night, June 5th. This isn’t bad or good. It’s just very different from anything I’ve ever experienced.

A lot of my fans will like this more than the movie: One of the biggest critiques of the movie was that it wasn’t completely true to the book. Of course it couldn’t be, because the movie has to have a narrative and the book didn’t, but so many of my fans didn’t care; they just wanted to see the stories acted out. Well, that is EXACTLY what this play is. 98% of it is ripped directly from the books; the only stuff that changed is a little bit of editing to only have the best parts, and then transitions or stuff like that. So know that if that was your issue with the movie, rest assured, that won’t be an issue with the play.

The midget story in the play, and the woman playing her is awesome: I almost think this woman deserves her own post. Athena Reich is a radical feminist, and a lesbian, and loves my books and is super excited to play the midget. So there’s that.

There are quite a few funny things about this play:

First: The only thing I know about Broadway plays is that I’ve never been to one.

Second: Look at the name of the dude playing me: Abe Goldfarb. He’s pictured below. Yes, that is exactly what you think it is: A Ginger Jew. That dude is playing me, Tucker Max, in this play. Seriously. 

Third: Unlike every other creative project I am involved in, I had nothing to do with creating this play. I get no credit if it’s amazing.

Here’s what happened:

A few years ago Kit Sanderson met with me about doing a play based on my book. Since I know nothing about plays and have no real desire to learn, I cut a deal with him: He does all the work in adapting my book to the stage, he can have full creative freedom in every way in creating it, but I wanted the playwright credit (for legal/IP reasons I’ll explain later). He agreed. That’s why the official title is “I Hope They Serve Beer in Broadway by Tucker Max,” but I’m not creatively involved at all. This is Kit Sandersons baby, from start to finish.

Some things I do know about the play:

1. You can drink there: They will serve beer at the theater: Seriously, full bar during all performances.

2. It’s ripped directly from the book: Unlike the movie, the play is very true to the book; dialogue, characters, scenes, etc, are all almost the same. I have no idea how he’s going to pull some of this off, but he’s going to try.

3. I’m not involved at all beyond source material: Kit raised the money to do the play, cast it, designed it, and directed it completely without any creative feedback from me. I literally have no idea where he’s going to take this. He’s never asked, I’ve never offered. I’m going to see his full vision when you do: On opening night. This is unusual for me. I’ve never really had a situation where my creative work was not only not under my control, but completely out of my control. I literally have no say on anything.

I will have a lot more to write about this in coming weeks. I am going to do some press with Kit this week, meet Abe (The Ginger Jew who’s playing me), and I’ll talk about how this play is the complete opposite of the movie and the interesting economics of plays later on in much more depth.

For now, go get your tickets, and I’ll see you at the show (yes, that means I’m going to be there, for at least the June 5th opening night, and the June 26th shows, those I can guarantee).

As far as anyone knows, that’s where it stands–I offered to make the donation. Nothing more was written by me or really reported at all in the press, yet after I posted that, a ton of people wrote me saying that my desire to help a no kill shelter was very noble in their eyes, changed their perception of me, etc. Or they said I was a good person because I gave this money, or that they loved that I was willing to help a charity, etc. Basically, I got a mountain of praise for this. All these people were commending me because of my donation–even though I hadn’t even made the donation yet.

And you know what no one, not once, ever asked me? Anything about the specifics of the donation, or the organization I was donating it to, or what the money would do.

Now, don’t get me wrong–I actually made the donation to Austin Pets Alive (not 500k, but many multiples more than 20k). I did it after I got to know the amazing people in that organization, I have seen the work they do and the results they get, and I love helping them, either with money or advice.  I plan to continue helping them in the future, because I believe in them and their mission.

The point is not about me, it’s not even about charity, it’s how people are. Everyone’s praise and everyone’s thoughts about the donation did NOT come from the actual results of the donation itself. They came from my public signal that I was going to give the money. No one cared what happened after I said I was giving the money.

I’ve thought a lot about this, and it meshes very well with everything I’ve ever seen in my life about charitable giving: The overwhelming majority of people who give to charities do not actually care about the cause or the results of their gift, they do it simply to signal to others what type of person they want to be seen as. To them, charity is about status, not results.

You may want to argue this point, but ask yourself this simple question: If this isn’t true, then why does almost no one actually follow-up with their charitable gifts, and see where or how the money’s being spent? Why are almost all celebrations of charitable gifts about the money being donated, and NOT the results of the gift? Or even better, look at most fund raising campaigns–they just excuses to party and show off, they have nothing to do with the actual causes.

This is NOT how I am. I only gave the money to APA once I got to know them, and I saw precisely how they were using it. Unlike most charitable organizations, APA is not a cause the masquerades as a way to raise money, its the opposite: they are amazing people doing amazing work saving the lives of thousands of dogs (and cats I guess, but who cares), and raising money is just a means for them to accomplish that mission. They are inspiring, not because of their beliefs but because of their actions.

Also, I know there are many new charities like this; in fact almost all the best new charities are very results oriented, and that is a great change in how non-profits operate. But very few large, established legacy non-profits are like this, as evidenced by the atrocious overheads costs (e.g., the United Way spends 70% of every incoming dollar on non-core costs, like paying executives and raising more money). But my point here is that I don’t think many people even think about this, even consider what drives someone to give and why, and how that impacts the entire non-profit sector:

For most people, altruism is not about meaning or results, its about status signaling to their social circle. 

“Observe the reality as it is. As it is, not as you wish it to be. Perhaps your breath is deep. Perhaps your breath is shallow. Perhaps you breathed in through the left nostril. Perhaps you breathed in through the right nostril. It makes no difference.”
-Satya Narayan Goenka

“Opinions are projections.”
-Tucker Max

“The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.”
-Blaise Pascal

“Growing your own food is like printing your own money.”
-Ron Finley

“Fortune is not only blind herself, but blinds the people she has embraced.”
-Cicero

“How people talk to each other absolutely determines how well the organization will function.”
-Larry Bossidy

“By their own actions, not their words, do leaders establish the morale, integrity and sense of justice of their subordinate commanders. They cannot say one thing and do another.”
-Wes Roberts

“It takes less courage to criticize the decisions of others than to stand by your own.”
-Wes Roberts

“Education is the ability to meet life’s situations.”
-Dr. John G. Hibben

“Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favor of it, But why not begin on yourself?”
-Dale Carnegie

“When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.”
-Dale Carnegie

“Listen to authority figures because of their position, but only believe them if they can explain why.”
-Tucker Max

“If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you what you are. That determines your character. That is the most significant thing about you.”
-Dale Carnegie

“So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.”
-Dale Carnegie

“Unless you really understand others, you can hardly attain your own self-understanding.”
-Miyamoto Musashi

“You should not have any special fondness for a particular weapon, or anything else, for that matter. Too much of the same is not enough. Without imitating anyone else, you should have as much weaponry as suits you. To entertain likes and dislikes is bad or both commanders and soldiers. Pragmatic thinking is essential.”
-Miyamoto Mushashi

“Generally speaking, fixation and binding are to be avoided, in both the sword and the hand. Fixation is the way to death, fluidity is the way to life. This is something that should be well understood.”
-Miyamoto Mushashi

“When you understand what your shortcomings are and act upon correcting them, that is being a Buddha.”
-Awa Kenzo

“Self-reflection encourages great bravery. Rationalization is your greatest enemy.”
-Awa Kenzo

Don’t get me wrong, I had run-ins with A LOT of cops. I’ve been under threat of arrest and been taken into custody so many times I used to know arrest procedures as well as the guys slapping on the cuffs. Despite all that, I’ve never faced a serious felony charge, or really even a serious misdemeanor. So how did I accomplish that? There is a right way and a wrong way to deal with cops, I did it the right way, and I can teach you how to do that same.

Before I start on this, let me be very clear: This post is NOT intended as legal advice. The only person you should ever take legal advice from is a lawyer who is licensed to practice in your jurisdiction. Yes, I went to law school, but no, that doesn’t mean all my advice is legal advice. Nor does it even mean its good. This post is simply my opinion on the best way to think about the psychology of interactions with law enforcement, and has NOTHING to do with specific legal advice.

Part 1: Understanding Cops

The first step in dealing with cops is empathy. Seriously, it sounds like bullshit, but understanding them and relating with their position is critically important if you want them to let you skate on the stupid things you do.

The 3 Things You MUST Understand About How Cops Think:

1. Cops’ first and biggest concern is safety: I cannot over-emphasize this: The job of a police officer puts him in potentially dangerous situations every day, so everything he does starts with ensuring his personal safety. I’ve known and been friends with so many cops and all of them say the same thing: You’re always on guard because you never know what you’re walking into, and mistakes can get you killed. Every single cop knows other cops who have died in the line of duty. When an officer comes up to a car he’s pulled over or knocks on the door of a home that has reported a domestic disturbance, he has no idea who he’s going to be dealing with. You may understand that you are a perfectly nice, non-threatening person, but he doesn’t know that–he’s thinking about the guy who graduated with him at the police academy and got gunned down by a tweaker on a routine traffic stop last week. This concept—the primacy of personal safety—is drilled into them from the beginning of training onward, so understand that when a cop walks up to you he is–at the very minimum–suspicious and wary.

That is why the first minute of your interaction with a police officer—especially during a traffic stop or potentially dangerous situation–is so crucial. In this small window it is imperative you display the fact that you’re not a threat to him. This can mean hands up and open, a nice calm demeanor, a submissive tone, etc. Your specific actions depend on the situation, but everything you do upon initial contact with a cop should be about displaying the fact that you are not a threat. If you do that right, you will put yourself in a great position with the cop who has your immediate fate in his hands.

I have a Concealed Handgun License for this very reason, even though I never pack a gun. To get one of those in Texas you must have no felony record, go through a 12-hour course, demonstrate marksmanship, and pass a written test. As soon as a cop sees my CHL he relaxes because he knows I’m a responsible citizen. I like to drive fast, and that thing has gotten me out of numerous tickets.

2. Yes, most cops are on power trips: Look, I’m not going to sugarcoat this: most people who become cops do it because at some level they like having power over other people. This doesn’t necessarily make them bad people; for every loser who’s compensating for getting beat up in high school, there are 10 cops who are doing it for the right reasons (they care about their communities and they want to protect good people from criminals). But all cops are motivated, to some extent, by the desire to have power over others.

If you understand that fact, you can prepare for and accommodate it; which means never, under any circumstances, challenging them or their power. Doing that is a direct threat to their identity, and challenging someone’s identity—especially an insecure cop on a power trip–is the surest way to becoming the next Abner Louima.

Here’s the thing about power trips though: a power trip can work to your advantage, if, instead of fighting it, you submit to it. How? Forgiveness is the ultimate display of power. Giving a cop a reason to let you go lets him feel just as powerful as the act of arresting you would, but with none of the paperwork. [More on this later, in the example section]

3. Cops categorize all people into 3 groups: Almost every cop I’ve ever met views all people as belonging to one of three groups; 1. Citizens (i.e., people we protect from criminals), 2. Criminals (people we put in jail), 3. Other cops (one of us).

Why does this matter? Because if you have done something stupid the surest way to get a cop to let you off is to convince him you are a Citizen, NOT a Criminal. Assuming what you’ve done is not a major felony, the cop’s decision to let you go rests mainly on that distinction: Are you a Citizen who made a stupid mistake, or are you a Criminal continuing a pattern of malicious law-breaking? [More on this below, when I give examples of scenarios.] Cops are very lenient with people they think are Citizens, because that’s who they signed up to protect, but they are dicks to Criminals, because in their minds, those are the bad guys. Up to a certain point, what you do is way less important to the cop than who he thinks you are.

You can be sure those three behavioral traits apply, at least in basic terms, to all cops. There is another way you need to think about them, though, that will help you understand what to do once you’ve made initial contact. I’ll call it Personality Type. The vast majority of cops fall into three broad Personality Types:

The 3 Types of Cops

1. Blue Collar Pros: This is most cops. These are people who value discipline and order, who aren’t happy behind a desk or in a cubicle, and just want to make decent money while helping good people. They skew toward the athletic and adventurous, with a taste for adrenaline, but they possess the ability to manage and direct those impulses (if you’ve ever wondered why a significant percentage of police are ex-military and why ex-military are so highly sought after by police recruiters, this is why—they’ve already been trained to use violence while subjecting their violent impulses to a system of rules).

These are the cops you don’t want to fuck with because they are the ones most likely to let you off with a warning if you play it cool and act like an adult. All they really want out of people is basic respect and common decency. Of all cops, they are most like you and me, insomuch as we can’t stand a hassle or things being made harder than necessary. And that’s exactly what most small time arrests and tickets are: hassles made harder by idiots who don’t get it. These are the cops who are looking for you to give them a reason not to do a bunch of paperwork. These are the guys who care more about justice in the moral sense than the kind of justice prescribed by the letter of the law. As one former Deputy Sheriff friend of mine put it, there is great satisfaction in “teaching people positive lessons…giving someone a break and them truly being thankful and fixing their mistakes.” As far as cops go, these are the good guys.

Basic Blue Collar Pro Personality Profile:
-Believes in law and order
-Ex-military and/or patriotic
-Average or slightly above average intelligence.
-Prefers dominance/submission displays in human interactions. Both for safety reasons and personal reasons, they like to feel in charge
-Believes at some level he has moral authority and is doing the right thing

General Rules on How to Deal with Basic Blue Collar Pro:
-Be calm and respectful
-Show you aren’t a threat
-Tell the truth
-Don’t bullshit them

2. High School Napoleons: These are the guys (and they are almost exclusively guys) to be most cautious with. These are the small, petty, insecure dickheads on power trips who are looking for you to give them a reason to ticket or arrest you. If the Blue Collar Pros are the good guys, these are most definitely the bad guys. Every one of us has either encountered one of these cops or knows someone from our high schools who became one of them.

The High School Napoleons became cops because they see law enforcement as their chance to level the playing field and show all those entitled pricks from high school that everyone has to play by the same rules. They operate with this massive chip on their shoulders on a daily basis and they take every opportunity to exorcise it on you if you show yourself to be the kind of person who ignored them or kept them in social purgatory or unfairly took what they thought should have been theirs. They will profile you immediately by your car, your clothes, your name, your hair, your alleged transgression, any meaningful class indicator or signal. [If you need an example of a classic High School Napoleon, look no further than George Zimmerman: the guy who killed Trayvon Martin. His history—from high school to present day—is a textbook case. The dude was enrolled in a criminal justice program in hopes of becoming a police officer when he shot the kid.]

High School Napoleon Personality Profile:
-Uses law and order to justify his envy and rage
-Rarely ex-military, expresses patriotism as hate towards immigrants, other marginalized groups
-Below average intelligence (for cops, but still not stupid).
-Keenly aware of dominance/submission displays in interactions, but exclusively for personal reasons

General Rules on How to Deal with High School Napoleons:
-Be obsequious, almost to a fault
-Never do anything that they will perceive as a threat to their power or status as a cop, they overreact to any perceived resistance
-If you REALLY know the law, then you can engage them in procedural discussions. Otherwise, avoid subject entirely
-Understand that most often they aren’t letting you out of what they caught you for, so just swallow it and don’t make it worse by giving them an excuse to increase the charges

3. Legacy Kids: You find these cops in big cities more than anywhere else, but they exist in departments both big and small. They are the people who come from generations of law enforcement, often within that same city or state. They come into the profession already aware of all the little idiosyncrasies of their job and jurisdiction. They know which rules and regulations are just suggestions and which are black letter laws. They know the history and the inner workings of their departments, and because of this, they can be your best friend or your worst enemy—and sometimes both. Depending on their mood and your behavior, they can just as easily let you walk on some pretty serious shit as they can throw every book in the penal code at you for the smallest and pettiest of violations. It’s what you get when you combine the tools of institutional power with the flexibility of discretion and the leverage of knowledge asymmetries. These cops are much harder to identify until you are in the throes of dealing with them. If things are going well, you’ll feel a much more casual, common sense approach. If they aren’t, well then buckle up, because you are about to get it.

Legacy Kids Personality Profile:
-Understand that law and order are very fluid concepts
-Has jaded view of American criminal process. Knows where the “skeletons are buried”
-Above average intelligence. Tend to be smartest of all cop types.
-Also the laziest of cops, is the most likely to let you off if you give them a reason or they think you are a good person

General Rules on How to Deal with Legacy Kids:
-Befriend them as much as possible
-Subtly display that you “get it”
-Talk to them like normal people, but don’t get too familiar or forget that they are cops

Part 2: Dealing With Specific Situations

I’m about to explain precisely how this information applies to you, and how you can use it to avoid trouble when dealing with cops, but first you need to understand the unifying concept of all the advice that will follow:

Everything you do when dealing with law enforcement should be about avoiding or limiting your exposure to the criminal justice system.

I’m not here to argue or debate the pros and cons of the American criminal justice system; that’s a different discussion for a different place, and to be honest, the morality of the system doesn’t matter. What matters is that you recognize the justice system for what it is in fact, not what you think it should be in theory. The fact is, the legal system is great in theory, but in practice, it is neither fair nor just. Sometimes good people get fucked and bad people go free. Don’t let the appearance of objective laws deceive you; once you get into the system, anything can happen, and there are no guarantees, ever.

I’m not telling you to not have fun or be crazy, I’m not even telling you not to break laws. I’m telling you that no matter what you do, you don’t want the lumbering machinations of the criminal justice system deciding your fate. Trust me on this, even in the best cases it’s an awful experience. Don’t trust me? Just Google any phrase similar to “screwed up justice system” and read any of the millions of articles that come up.

Keeping this concept in mind, there are two legal concepts you need to understand:

The 2 Legal Concepts You Need to Understand To Properly Deal With Cops

[LEGAL DISCLAIMER (yes, this is the second one): Although Tucker went to law school, he never took the bar and is not licensed to practice law in any jurisdiction. Any advice in this post should be considered for general purposes and is not specific legal advice applicable to your location or situation. And as a side note, if you take legal advice from someone you don't know off the Internet without making sure it's legit where you live and in your specific circumstances, you are stupid and probably deserve to go to jail.]

1. On the scene, cops can do anything they want: At the scene of the crime, cops are god, they are Shiva Destroyer of Worlds; they can do anything they want, and they know it. They can arrest you for ANYTHING, they can jack you around for hours, they can ruin your entire day in numerous ways, all of them legal.

People have this notion that cops have a strict, iron-clad set of legal guidelines they must follow in every circumstance; that’s preposterous. They have a HUGE amount of discretion at the scene. If you didn’t do anything serious and the cop thinks you are a Citizen because you treated him with respect and defered to his power, he has the ability to give you every benefit of the doubt (and most times he will, if for no other reason than to avoid all the monotonous paperwork).

Conversely, if you are a dick to the cop, or the cop wants to jack you up and take you in for any reason, he can, and there’s nothing you can do about it, even if he’s wrong. He’s going to find a reason to arrest you and if one doesn’t exist he’ll manufacture a tenuous one that will work to justify the arrest.

Granted, if a cop is just jacking you around on bullshit, then in the long run nothing will stick or he won’t end up charging you and you’ll get released…but only after hours or days spent in a holding cell.

But that doesn’t mean anything at the scene. Take this as gospel: if you fuck with a cop, he CAN AND WILL fuck you up. He will do it legally and he will do it gleefully and it will be awful, even if it gets resolved in your favor in the end.

2. Cops don’t judge cases, they only decide if you get arrested: I cannot tell you how many people don’t understand this basic concept, so let me say it very clearly: Cops can only initiate the criminal process (via arrest), they do not make the final judgment or hold any power beyond the arrest. They can’t convict you, they can’t even indict you. They can only arrest you, collect evidence against you and recommend to the prosecutor that the State charge you with a crime.

I know, I know, I just said that cops are god at the scene. And they are. But his power drops dramatically the minute he brings you in and books you into custody. At that point, the power moves to the cop’s superiors at the station and, ultimately, to the prosecutor. The cop goes from major decision maker to small cog once the arrest is made and you’re passed to booking.

This is a critical point, because it determines at what level of discourse you engage the cop at the scene. If you’ve done something wrong, even if it’s small, it is counterproductive to argue guilt/innocence with him. When you do, it codes to a cop brain as something a prosecutor/judge must rule on, not him, so he mentally checks out. You need to engage cops on the level of their discretion–whether or not to even bring you in and initiate the legal process at all–not on the level of your relative guilt or innocence, which is NOT at their discretion.

When you engage a cop on the level of “is this even a crime worth bringing him in???” then you are engaging him at a point where he DOES have the power to decide. This is such an important distinction, and very few people make it.

Now, let’s talk about specific situations. It’s impossible to explain every possible situation you may find yourself in with a cop, but as a general rule most police encounters can be divided into four distinct categories, and there is a specific range of actions for each one:

The 4 Basic Cop Scenarios You Will Deal With:

1. You’re totally innocent: I know this may sound counter-intuitive to some of you, especially the crazy libertarians who make the smallest issue into a referendum on the Constitution, but if you have nothing to hide, then don’t hide anything. Law enforcement officers tend to have pretty good bullshit detectors. They may not know what you are hiding, but they know if you are hiding something. And if they think you are hiding something from them, then they’ll move heaven and earth to figure out what it is, especially if they think it could be something big.

If you are truly innocent, let everything out. No matter how absurd the story is, give them every detail, tell them every truth, agree to any test. Be honest, tell the WHOLE story, and 99.9% of the time you will be fine (the only time you won’t is if the cop is trying to jack you up; that situation is covered below).

I cannot tell you how many times when I was younger that cops rolled up on me doing something that looked awful but wasn’t even really a crime, yet the explanation was so fucking ridiculous, I thought no cop would ever believe it. I’d lie, trying to come up with a plausible story, and it never worked. You know why? Because cops are trained to detect lies.

The first thing they’ll do is calm the situation down–get everyone’s heart rate and adrenaline back to normal levels–and ask you what happened or what’s going on. They’ll listen to every word patiently, respectfully, intently. And then, when you’re done, that’s when the questions start coming. They’ll ask you the same questions over and over, from different angles, in different ways, probing for inconsistencies. They aren’t judging the truth of the facts of your story as much as they are judging whether you are lying to them. Unless you are a world class liar, they’re going to trip you, and when they do they are going to think you’re a liar, which to them codes as “Criminal.” Then you’re fucked, even if you haven’t done anything wrong.

You know what does work? Telling the whole fucking truth, even if it sounds ridiculous. If you do, no matter how many times the cops ask you the same questions, your answers are going to be consistent because you’re telling the truth. And, if you actually are innocent, everything will be OK. This isn’t about “trusting the system,” this is about fixing where you code in the cops brain, either as “Citizen” or “Criminal.” Citizens tell the truth; Criminals lie. You want the cop to see you as a Citizen.

These situations happen most often when you are pulled over on a ‘pretense stop’ by cops looking to catch bigger fish (cops often use expired tags, a broken windshield, etc as an excuse to pull people over to check for warrants or drugs) or when you find yourself in the wrong place at the wrong time for reasons entirely out of your control (bar fights, car accidents, locked out and setting off the home burglar alarm, etc). Just remember: Cops, even the asshole High School Napoleons, aren’t interested in wasting their time jacking up innocent Citizens. If you are truly innocent, just lay everything out and be straight with them, and they’ll move on to the Criminals.

One caveat: Don’t play the innocent card unless you are actually innocent. If you’ve seen Cops, you know A LOT of people think that if they act innocent, the cop won’t actually search them. Bullshit. He will, and he’ll catch you. Innocence is not something to toy with. It’s like bluffing top pair with the short stack and the chip leader is on the button. Only play the card if you have it.

2.You’re guilty and caught, but it’s something small and stupid: This is the most common situation: you did something stupid and juvenile that technically makes you guilty of a crime, but the crime itself isn’t really that bad. That describes pretty much every night I went out in my twenties. There are numerous examples; being overly obnoxious at a bar, driving with an expired license, walking around with an open container, constantly honking at some old woman who won’t drive the fucking speed limit, etc, etc.

After much trial and error, I figured out the best way to handle this situation: I admit to the least bad crime the cop knows about, apologize profusely, tell them that I’m an idiot and just made a stupid mistake and won’t do it again, and then put myself at their mercy. I spent a decade in legally tenuous situations, getting out of one after the other (or suffering the minimum possible consequence) because each time I was honest, apologetic and cooperative.

This works because you’re doing three things that incentivize the cop to let you go: 1. You’re signaling to them that you’re a Citizen who made a mistake, NOT a Criminal who’s acting out a pattern (remember, cops want to arrest “Criminals” not “Citizens”) 2. you are appealing to their psychological needs by giving them a chance to forgive you, and thus demonstrate the fullest form of their power (which is the main reason they became cops), and 3. you are saving them from the paperwork and bureaucratic bullshit that comes with every arrest (which appeals to their selfishness and laziness).

This approach covers nearly every form of stupid juvenile idiocy a 20-year old might commit. It is simple and effective, yet so many people do not follow it someone decided to make a show about them: it’s called “JAIL.”

3. You’re guilty, caught, and it’s a big deal: If you are truly guilty–like for real did some serious felony shit and you’re just flat out caught–accept that you’re getting arrested and shut up so you don’t make things worse. Cooperate, be polite and do what the cop says, but shut your mouth and ask for your lawyer and don’t do or say anything else.

For example, say you run a red light and cause a major accident because you were texting and not paying attention. You’re an idiot, the accident is your fault, and you’re fucked. Accept these facts, and operate with them as given assumptions, instead of trying to argue the accident away. You’re going to lose that argument, get arrested anyway, and now you’ve set up the prosecutor’s case. The cop is going to ask you if you were paying attention. He’s going to ask you if you were texting while you were driving. Anything you say at this point can potentially be evidence against you at a criminal trial. SHUT THE FUCK UP. If you did it and you know it and the cop knows it, there is NOTHING you can do at the scene that will either get you off or make it better. You can ONLY make it worse by talking. [Note: this applies doubly so for serious intentional crimes, like robbery or arson].

Cops are not dumb. They are especially good at understanding the application of the law and how to get people to talk in ways that produce the evidence they need to make a case. They don’t have to tell you the truth, either. If they think you’re guilty, they’re going to say anything they think will get you to incriminate yourself or tell a version of events they can pin to you and compare to later testimony. If you know you’re guilty too, understand that there is NO WAY to resolve the situation at the scene. Accept that you’re going to get arrested, and give yourself the chance to unfuck the situation later on by shutting up now and not giving them anything to use against you. Most criminals are convicted, in part or in whole, on evidence they willingly gave to the police. If you are caught and clearly going to be arrested, and they’re still talking to you about things pertinent to your situation, not just shooting the shit, it’s because they are trying to get evidence to use against you. SO SHUT UP.

Still, some people think they HAVE to talk. If you must say something, politely ask for your lawyer. For example: “Officer, I’d love to talk to you about this, but my friend always makes me promise to call a lawyer before I talk to police. I know, it makes your job a little harder, but I just don’t feel comfortable  unless I take his advice and talk to my lawyer. When she gets here, I’ll be happy to discuss this with you, but until then, I’d like to not say anything.” Or you can be a dick and yell “LAWYER!” over and over; fuck it, you’re already busted, why not?

[Want to watch a great example of how this situation plays out in real life? Go watch a few episodes of the TV show “The First 48.” It’s an amazing show with real cops doing real police work. I would say that over half the cases are made by cops getting people to incriminate themselves when they don’t have to even talk to the police! You can watch it happen in real time on that show. Or, read this (general advice for criminals and idiots) or watch this video (about why to never talk to police if you're guilty or appear to be guilty).]

4. A cop is trying to jack you up, and you know it: Sometimes you run into the wrong High School Napoleon at the wrong time and he just has a hair up his ass about you. It happens. Or maybe a Blue Collar Pro has totally misread a situation and is convinced that you’re guilty, even though you really are innocent. This is the rarest situation thankfully, but it is also the worst. And unfortunately, you are not going to like my advice even though it is unquestionably the best thing you can do: If you are getting unjustly jacked up by a cop, the best thing to do is calm down, relax, stay polite and cooperative, accept what the cop does without fighting him on it, and then seize the first opportunity that presents itself to get out of the situation.

Take what happened to me recently: I was crossing the street, against a red light. I was in the crosswalk and there were no cars coming so it should have been no big deal. I was not even ten feet from the opposite curb when this cop–on a fucking bike–pulled up out of nowhere and commanded me to go back to the other side. I mean…are you kidding? You could not dream up a scenario where a cop could be more pathetic or petty. I could tell from one look at this dude that he was the archetype of the High School Napoleon, and he’d pegged me as a rich asshole who he was going to humiliate while looking for a reason to jack me up. In that moment–in those first 10 seconds–I had a decision to make: Do I argue with the cop and fuck with him right back, or do I just do what he says?

Most people here are going to tell you to fight back, to defend your rights, to go apeshit and tell the cop to fuck off or whatever other posturing nonsense they can think up. And you can do that…but that is a hard battle to fight, especially when the cop has the cuffs and the pepper spray and the law to back him up. That’s a fight you’re going to lose, one way or another.

What you do all depends on how you want to spend your time over the next few months. If you want to spend a night in jail, thousands of dollars on lawyers, hundreds of hours waiting around in court, and subjecting yourself to the random things that can happen in any system, then please, by all means, take the hard road and enjoy the consequences that come with it.

But if you’re like me, having fully identified the type of situation you are facing, you do nothing, you respond to no provocation, you calmly take all his verbal abuse–even though every fiber of your being wants to lash out at this fucking piece of shit small dick asshole cop abusing his power–and you move on with your life. It’s ultimately just better not to punch the tar baby, no matter how much you might want to.

The question you have to wrestle with when you’re getting unfairly jacked up isn’t what should happen in a just world? It’s what is the best way to extricate yourself from the situation at hand and avoid interacting with the justice system? If that isn’t possible at the scene, if the cop is going to arrest or ticket you, all you can do is cooperate and wait until you get to the next layer in the criminal justice system. There a prosecutor or a higher ranking officer can correct the mistake and the arresting officer’s power melts away. So, once you know the cop is out to get you, stop trying to fight him and move on to the battle you can win. Just getting arrested isn’t that big of a deal anyway.

Addendum: The Special Problem of DUI’s

I’ve left out any mention of drinking and driving for this reason: It is a very complicated legal issue that is changing rapidly, and there is not any specific advice that applies generally across all jurisdictions.

Of course, the best thing to do is NOT DRINK AND DRIVE. But I won’t sit here and lecture you about that. You know how stupid it is, and so do I; but I’ve done it in the past, and some of you will too.

If you’re going to drink and drive, the one piece of advice I can give you is to take the time now, sober, to figure out how to respond if you get pulled over. Some places it makes sense not to blow. Other places, you’re better off blowing even if you’re going to blow high. And yet in other places your best call is to demand a blood test. Wherever you live, if you’re going to be an idiot and drive drunk, figure out the options available to you and plan for the best response possible…BEFORE the inevitable happens, and you get pulled over.

Addendum: The Special Problem of Race

I am white. All my interactions with cops have been with me being white. The fact is, being white in America fundamentally changes the way cops deal with you (and often the way you see cops). If you’re white, cops are much more inclined to see you as a “Citizen.” If you are black (or in some places, any shade of brown) cops are much more inclined to see you as a “Criminal”, even black or hispanic cops. I am not trying to argue whether this is right or wrong, I am just telling you the way it is.

My best advice for black people who have to deal with cops: Be white.

Just kidding (sort of). I am reticent to give advice about dealing with cops from the perspective of a black or Hispanic person because there is nothing more condescending or inaccurate than thinking you know something you haven’t experienced personally. I do know that all my advice above works very well for middle-class white people acting like normal middle-class crazy white people. To the extent that it helps with other racial or ethnic groups, great, but I do not warranty that it will.